Hope in stained glass

By Trygve Johnson

Dimnet Chapel at Hope College has 12 large floor-to-ceiling window panels, with two stained glass saints captured in each window, 24 people in all. As the light breaks in the east, these stained saints begin to glow with the rising sun. These windows bear witness to something significant: each is a witness to the radical love of God.

This particular morning I sit under the window of Mary who is holding the Christ child in her arms. She looks peaceful. I find the image of her with a child comforting as I sit heavy, my head hanging. I don’t have the words to pray, but offer a sigh that sounds more like a groan. My faith feels out of joint.

Before I left the house, my wife Kristen told me the news. The test was negative. Again.

It’s been three years. Doctors. Medications. Clinics. Articles. Procedures. Prayers. Negative. Again. We are slowly coming to grips with the reality that we might not be able to have our own children. This isn’t how I pictured life. We grow up with images of a family, and this morning I feel like I’m mourning the loss of someone I love but have never met.

In the grand scheme of the cosmos, I know this is not a huge tragedy. Others are going through worse things. As the writer of Hebrews might say, it’s not as if I’ve resisted to the point of shedding blood. There are bigger and more important things for God to be caring about. But for Kristen and me, in our small life, it’s a big struggle.

I am not alone in my questions. In a few hours the community of Hope College will gather in this chapel, as we do every week, to worship the risen Son. In a few hours, Abby will be sitting under Jeremiah’s window, lamenting her mom who just died from leukemia. Kate, who is struggling through her parents’ divorce, always sits under the window of Andrew. Doc, whose father just passed away, will be sitting under Ezekiel. Zack, who right now has more doubts than answers, sits under the shadow of Thomas. We’ll bring all our discouragement, frustration and hurt into the belly of this chapel.

Trygve Johnson is chaplain of Hope College in Holland, Michigan.

Comments

[Shawn]

My wife and I also have experienced the pain of infertility. My prayer will be with you! This link is a site that my wife found that really helped her through some tough times. I hope it helps you in some way as well. http://www.hannah.org/

[real live preacher]

Trygve,

My heart aches to read of your pain, knowing others who have walked the same path. I have seen them reach the other side of the journey and find wherever it is that God is leading them. Adoption or other things. But none of that helps this grief. You'll go all the way through it. I prayed for you both today.

[johnhamilton]

It's those things that aren't the world's heaviest burdens that sometimes to us feel the worst. You've captured "the cloud of witnesses" beautifully. "Thou wilt keep [them] in shalom shalom whose mind is stayed on thee." May it be so.

[Ed Koffenberger]

I also went down this road and could not imagine an adult life without my own children, creations of the love I share with my wife. Now that I look back, I notice that God always had me in positions where I was taking care of God's children as a teacher, social worker and chaplain. I notice you are a chaplain. Has this also been your past? You are in our prayers.

[Jo Ann Meadows]

This really is a burden that is hard to bear and not to be taken lightly. May God bless you abundantly with those babies you long for - or else with God's even better and unknown plan.

[Abril]

Thanks for sharing your grief with us. As a member of the body of Christ, I mourn with you. I also have been making a journey through grief during this lenten season, though for other reasons, and I am grateful to be reminded of the company of saints who journey alongside me.
Bless you.

[nittenaway]

For your vulnerable expression of grief, my dear, dear frend, I grieve.
Peace and love. . .

[Ellen]

A loss of a dream that never comes to life is hard to bear. I am grateful that you chose to share this. My husband and I followed a similar path. We have learned that if you want to become a parent in order to be able to love another human being in that special way, there are many ways to become a parent. I pray that you soon will find the path that God is even now trying to open for you...

[Anissa]

Tryg,
I was at your wedding a few years ago. It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating with you. I'm so sorry for your "loss" - losses. Those things that were never even yet a gain to you. What a beautiful piece you wrote about associating with the losses in the stained glass. Thanks for being so real.